Ed's Letter: No queer person owes the world a "coming out" story
“When did you come out?” At 34, I’m running out of funny, witty, and charming ways to respond to this with politeness.
It’s the monkey on my back. Surely, many queer people can relate — we’ve all become acquainted with this invasive question. But I don’t mize, so that I don’t appear rude. After all, the reason why I became a journalist is to never stop asking questions, so when people are curious about my life I reward them with answers.
Sure, on the inside I’m rolling my eyes but, on the outside, I present an automated and robotic response, complemented with a withering smile so insincere I might transform into an AI-generated avatar.
Undoubtedly, “coming out” is an epiphanic experience for many that is profoundly liberating. It should absolutely be celebrated. But the assumption that this is the average experience of LGBTQI+ people is fallacious. Commonly, some are met with rejection and hatred from close ones in a vulnerable moment that may even be lonelier than the so-called closet. So, what you may see as an innocent inquiry could have triggering effects.
No queer person owes the world a “coming-out” story. Even before I had the maturity to word it, I’ve always resisted the idea that my queerness should be measured by others knowing. Gen-Zs and millennials have had more liberty to vent on the internet: “Why should I come out as queer when you’ve never come out as openly straight?”
To simplify my story, I’ve always been visible in my queerness — whether it’s in the way I speak, dress or walk, I’ve been intentionally buoyant. I’m afraid I’m every gay stereotype — tutus, tiaras, and heels. And on top of that, the universe still demands a “coming-out” story?
When I was about 19 years old at varsity I was outed for the amusement of my media-studies class. During a debate on equality and prejudice the lecturer saw it fit to use me as a case study. To his surprise, I recoiled from the engagement. “I have gay friends, I support gay rights,” he apologised, as he steadily continued with his hypocritical lesson in tolerance and discrimination. I was visibly embarrassed. Friends tried to comfort me, while I saw others skinder under their breath. That awkward moment would linger throughout my early 20s; it had scarred me. Maybe I should have handled it better? I would ask myself. Does it mean I hate myself or those in my community? I wondered.
Then, at 25, it dawned on me that I was not ashamed of who I am, I’ve never been, I’ve always walked in my truth. But I was angry with him because he had robbed me of my right to self-determination. How I shared my queer identity with my peers was supposed to be on my terms, and that autonomy was taken from me. I would never get it back, but I chose to be philosophical about it — my identity and sexuality will never depend on others knowing in order for me to find pride in it.
There is a poignant monologue from last year’s gay romance drama Red, White & Royal Blue by the character Alex Claremont-Diaz (played by Taylor Zakhar Perez) that stuck with me:
“… every queer person has the right to come out on their own terms and on their own timeline. They also have the right to choose not to come out at all. The forced conformity of the closet cannot be answered with forced conformity in coming out of it. This isn’t about shame. This is about privacy and the fundamental right of self-determination, which are exactly the principles on which the struggle for queer liberation has always been fought.”
Stay true to yourself, the world will follow. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, fluid, non-binary, asexual, pansexual, questioning, intersex, and many other identities, we see and respect you.
Welcome to our annual Youth issue, coinciding with international Pride Month. We are going back to school with fresh-faced talents Ayakha Ntunja, Kealeboga Masango, Lebohang Lephatsoana, and Tabile Tau from the smash Showmax YA drama Youngins. The show is a breath of fresh air, tackling topics such as women’s sexual pleasure, toxic masculinity, gender variation, queer themes, and just vibez.
Then designer Mpumelelo Dhlamini cooks up a storm in the kitchen for Father’s Day, yum! You can burn off some of those calories with our tips for working out like an Olympian — just in time for the Paris Olympics.
Flaunt that banging body at the Hollywoodbets Durban July with our hair and beauty guide in collaboration with our pouring partner, Chateau Del Rei. See you at the Greyville Racecourse in less than a month.